It is hard to describe what I was thinking when I saw Melvin again, It had been 5 years. 5 years of “almost” celibacy and of being almost love free. I had my moments or relapse but I in general stayed strong and still able to find release in my fantasies. Tempting myself and desiring but refusing to let myself have. A felt my heart beat, he looked the same, but had he changed? Part of me wanted to walk away, my strong side was at battle with this romantic thought of fate.
We spent time calling each other on the phone, he still lived a distance away and I no longer had transportation so perhaps that was best anyway. He started coming to see me on the weekends, and we revisited our sexual memories. I was a little self-conscious because of the weight I had gained after the divorce but he reassured me that it was never my looks that he loved. I enjoyed having my friend back. I mean no matter how much time that lapse I still felt a connection with him.
We were so much alike, his cheating was just translated from his desire to be wanted. I felt that in my life just in a more emotional level. I never felt a need to step outside a relationship to get my addictive fix; I was self-satisfying when it came to sex anyway. Melvin needed sex, I got that side of him, I understood his addiction. My mistake was thinking that I could have ever been enough for him. I at least had upbringing, the value of loyalty and honesty to always keep me faithful no matter how bad the relationship had gotten. I am afraid to say that I was getting ready to make another grave mistake. I was looking at a relationship knowing that there was something wrong with him, and I still thought I could change him.
He moved in with me and the first few years were awkward, but so much fun, he worked, I worked, we spent every night in each other’s arms and all was wonderful until I found out I was pregnant, and then soon miscarried, I think he was hurt more than me, because he remembered the baby years ago that wasn’t to be. When it happened again a few months later he questioned my ability to carry his child. He worked hard but he never was able to find a job better than minimum wage so we had no insurance. The added stress of knowing that he could never really support me and my son always made him feel like less than a man I know.
He started to become distant. I had heard rumors about places he worked, employees messing around after hours but I never once thought he would have been one of them. After 4 years of what I thought was a pretty good life together I was asked a question that concerned me “Deb, you ever had sex with a woman?”
Now please understand that I had never actually had actual sexual contact with a woman, even when I was with my friends before, it was the act of me being there and watching that was my fantasy, if I got close to hold a hand or kissed a shoulder I quickly restrained myself. I didn’t want to be gay. I was worried that Melvin had heard different, perhaps someone that “knew” me had broken a promise and told him what I had done.
He reassured me that he was just wondering if I had ever wanted to be in a 3some, “some women like it a lot” I asked him if he had ever had two women and he said no, but that had always wanted to. I wondered if he being distant could have been a sign that he was thinking of leaving me, was I becoming boring. We talked several time about the subject and when I had thought about it long enough we started looking for a woman that could fit the task. Every woman he thought of felt wrong, I mean I was worried about diseases, and then I also wanted to feel comfortable with her. I had to trust her. The conversations often turned to arguments and when he had left angry I found myself sitting alone wondering what I would do for “Love”
I never knew what he was going to suggest next, he was a “Freak!” You name it we tried it. No really, we probably did it, drugs, porn, bondage, and thrill sex. I wanted so badly to keep him happy; I couldn’t stand the idea of him leaving me. It was sad really, all the time I had spent teaching myself I didn’t “need” a man disappeared when I thought of saying goodbye to him. Every time he said “I want to Experience this with you” I fell victim to my fears of losing him if I didn’t.
When I found out I was pregnant (with twins) things changed. The fun stopped for him and the night mare started for me, he spent nights away from home, he drank too much and stayed distant from me emotionally. He said it was stress but all I could feel was pain. I was ill, depressed, lost and mentally unstable. My whole world felt like it had stopped. We wanted a child earlier, we both were disappointed when I repeatedly miscarried but it was only when we had stopped trying and embraced the freedom that I had actually gotten pregnant. It was no big surprise when a woman came knocking on my door, asking if Melvin lived here, she had seen the car sitting outside and wondered why he was in her neighborhood, he said he lived on the west side. I was told a story that I didn’t want to believe, but she was more upset then I.
That night he was knocking on the door all night begging to be let in and he slept on the porch amongst bags of his belongings.
I would like to say that was the end of Melvin… do you think it is?
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