I would like to say that I enjoyed the time I spent alone, finding myself and being the strong self-reliant woman I needed to be, even exploring my own sexuality without a man as hindrance. I had no problem functioning by myself, I had my son and I was always willing to spend time with friends. I lived in Mt Vernon for a while and I had a few “one night stands” with guys that were interesting but no way what I wanted for more than one encounter.
Really, why not? Men were ever so willing to use me; I had no problem at all using them. I was big I had less problem finding guys being” Large” than I ever had being thin. It was about the attitude. I was me, I didn’t “need” a man to be happy. I really had no “need” for a man at all. In fact the whole thought of love made me very uncomfortable. I wanted to have my way and be left alone, but the guys were getting attached so I decided celibacy was the best option.
I knew I was being wrong to my nature. (I am an extremely loving person) and I knew that was the problem. I could not control this emotion. I loved so completely, so deeply, that I never worry about the “what ifs” what if he mistreats me, what if he leaves me, what if he doesn’t love me back? I was never prepared for getting hurt. So I chose to just turn it off, I mean if I never let them in, I never have to worry about them leaving. Up went the walls.
I started to get a bit of an attitude and when one of my friends reminded me that I was not doing my child any favors refusing to let him have a father figure in his life. Well I started to think I was being selfish. I was not looking for love! I was looking for someone to be trusted and a companion. But while I waited to meet a “good guy” I still had so much fun fucking with the bad guys (maniacal laughter)
Hanging with my friends was very entertaining. I would get all dressed up not to go out but to play cards and sit on my friend’s porch on the south side. The high point of my evening was a “Damn Girl, let me holla at ya” and flirting with a house of men that lived next door. Even though we were more friends than love interests and no way even close to what I was looking for, they got to know me and all had to deal with my man hating. “See this line right here” as I motioned an imaginary line on the ground in front of me “That is my personal space, don’t violate it” we would laugh and relax but they knew I was serious.
My nick name was 3D for my bra size and the porn movie Deborah Does Dallas, relax! Not because I had sex with them but because of our open talks and my ability to never be embarrassed. “Deborah, you give head don’t you?” Yes, been told I am the best but I am not getting on my knees to show you. Get a job; grow about 5 inches and get a haircut and we will talk. I did on an occasion get offered a banana and I absolutely enjoyed seeing the looks on their faces…… I was good! If I gave them a moment of pleasure then why not, that was all they were getting.
Yeah, they knew too much about me. One evening I came over to my friend’s house to play cards and there was a man I had never met before sitting at the table full of smiles and liked to talk. He talked about being an artist (I am an artist)and loving animals (I grew up on a farm), he played and would look at me smiling a little and then let me win, I knew what he was doing during the games, every conversation seemed pointed at me.
I almost growled how dare he be nice? How dare he like me? He joked with me out on the porch that he had wanted to talk with me for about a month, but I was too busy shooting down everyone else that tried to talk to me that he was too scared to even say “Hi”. Now that I thought about it I do think I had seen him before, maybe I was scaring off the good ones. We talked for hours, he seemed to say all the right things, and when he needed to leave he asked if I needed a ride.
Well what do you think happened? If you have learned nothing about me so far, do you think for one second I was going to say no? The guys next door knew I would say yes. If given the right information at the right time, a man coached, would have found me an easy mark. Yes I took him home and gave him everything you could imagine and more. He was a good guy don’t get me wrong. He never wanted to hurt me, he just wanted a chance to meet me and when he paid the guys in the crew next door $100 for an introduction and the secret to my weaknesses, well of course they took advantage. “Mother Fuckers pimped me out!”
I was mad, I was angry, but I was more hurt that my friends judged me; I mean they were right there, didn’t they see it coming, better yet maybe everyone had some stupid side bet on whether Deborah was going to put out, more than likely not but I never liked the way I was blamed for being tricked. I later found out the guy was even married “Son of a Bitch!” NO MORE SEX, I don’t care what the guy says or does I am done! And I lived that promise for a few more years.
I spent less time on the south side and more time with a good friend of mine that just got married, also a bad idea. Ok I came to the conclusion that I attract married men. Everywhere I turned it was married men that saw me as the things their wives were not. I was strong, confident, and HONEST and well… I was different; a few of my friends around this time had asked how they could be like me. I told them the secrets and that was usually enough, told then some sexual trade secrets to and that always did it.
A few times I got so close to a couple of friends that I would spice things up for them, and watch them while being “intimate”, tell them what to do, and why. Oh the men LOVED it and my friends trusted me enough to know that I would not touch their husbands.
People have asked me if I were bi-sexual. That is a hard one, I am attracted to women, I think women are so sexy and through an artist’s eye I see the softness, the curves and movement, I like the feel of their skin and flow of their hair. I have many times realized that I lust women as sexual beings, yes. The key here is would I choose to pick a woman’s loveliness over the rough strong body of a man? “No” I prefer a man’s beauty, BUT I fully enjoy when my lesbian friends are interested in me and I usually flirt just as hard with women as I do men, because it makes them feel good, and I love to make people feel good.
What? Is that wrong? Think about it, when someone tells you that you look good how does that make you feel? The rest of the day, you smile, perhaps even walk a little lighter and it gives you a sense of worth, especially if your spouse doesn’t take the time to appreciate you. I like being told I am beautiful, or even sexy by the men I trust to say it with taste. I am doing a service to tell people what I think, whether that is “nice hair” or “Damn you make me what to get a sex change! Are you sure you’re straight?” I was just beginning to realize who I was. What I wanted and why I did the things I did.
When……………….. I saw him again.
Heheheh I know I am bad! There is more don’t worry there are 11 more years to cover.
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