Beyond the Pane “The End” (True love is finally found)

All of the drinking, the bad attitude, and shaking from withdrawal the next day from his drinking binges, had done more damage to my psyche. He spent the past two month in one mood swing after another; he damaged my self-esteem in the bed room, isolated me from my friends and family, and physically and mentally abused my sons over fucking making a bed. I had held strong to the idea that in some way, somehow I could make things better. I spent all that summer so far, giving him what he wanted, helping him deal with withdrawal. I held his hand while he shook and talked him through those nights he wanted a drink but fought to be strong.

All of these things I could handle, but those words no matter how innocent and meaningless, represented what I wasn’t, what I couldn’t be anymore. If I had given in, well I was giving into the fact that I was no longer me and I had become what he wanted. What were those three little words?

“Iron my cloths”

Yeah I know… it would seem no big deal to anyone else, and maybe if he had been all the things I needed, all the things I was looking for than I could have seen those words in a different light. But in my mind, I was becoming someone I wasn’t; I remember well all those talks my husband had with me about the proper place of a woman. “She does for the man out of appreciation for providing and protecting, she cooks and cleans and stays pleasant for the man out of respect, if she cannot show respect than she deserves nothing, Even in her father’s house a daughter must respect her father, so When she has a husband she needs to respect and honor him. A woman shows her respect and honor by her actions”

What did I have to respect in Ruffo, even if that were the rules to go by? Than love, honor, cherish, being faithful and ironing cloths comes at an equal if not greater price. He has to be worthy of those things.

Ever have a true Epiphany..A knock you over, Oh My God! Why didn’t I see that before, Epiphany? You felt a little stupid; a little ashamed you couldn’t have learned that maybe a little sooner, taking into account perhaps how much true time you had wasted. Than you get this slow rising temperature build in your brain to the point you want to just explode. Most people release by saying a “Ohhhhhh” while others break off a few curse words, at their own unbelievable stupidity. Oh this was a cursing moment. “Oh my %^& son of a %^#@$()! Are you out of your ^#?)!! Mind?”

I grabbed his luggage from the closet, and started empting the contents from drawers into the suitcase. He started at me, trying to hold me from putting more of his things in the case. I stopped, looked him straight in the eye, with a calm almost insane smile. I spoke softly as I looked from under my brow “I gave you two months, I gave you every chance in those two months to show me that we fit, I made changes in myself to be all the things you wanted me to be, thinking I could accept those changes in myself, all for “love”. Ok I did that and nothing {I} did was good enough or sufficient to keep you from drinking, or keep you from yelling at me or my kids. I am done being the one to change, and I will not do even one more thing for you except drive you to the bus station.”

There is a time in people’s lives where they hit a point of no return, where they have to decide either to keep going and accept what they have done and who they have become; or they must decide to self-evaluate and make a change in direction as a last ditch effort to keep from being who they have become. I tried his way, I tried that road too many times and it always brought me to the same spot in life.

I am not that happy little house wife, “yes dear, no dear, anything for you dear” I cannot even for one more moment be that woman. I will not be told who I am and what I know, and I will not be left a victim! I will not be forced into doing things I do not want to do because some other person’s thinks it is “For my own good”. I will not be told the “things that are wrong with me” when I have nothing wrong with me at all. I am the perfect Me, I am exactly who I want to be, and no amount of mental, sexual, verbal and physical abuse is going to change that.

I love myself and I accept who I am no matter how often people have tried their level best to keep me from doing that. I do not need others approval, I do not need a person to say I am beautiful to know I am. I do not have to have someone to love me to know I am worth being loved. I spent my whole life to this point trying to be what others thought I should be or tried to make me be. I didn’t think well enough of myself to believe I deserved respect or I should be valued. I am more than what others love.

Ruffo was gone that day. And I never wondered for one second if I had made the right decision. I knew I was not meant to save him, but he did teach me to save myself. I have been broken hearted, rejected, raped, forgotten, cheated on, prostituted, disrespected, almost murdered twice, and put second to addiction. I have placed myself in these situations in the search of love, but not in search of a man’s love or even a woman’s love. In the end of my search I found self-love.

I know you expected a Happily-Ever-After, lord knows we are taught growing up that the man always rides off into the sunset with his fare madden and we end the story imagining the sweet kiss of our own true love, blink, blink, blink. The only way there could be a happily-ever-after is if they were tragically murdered as they ride out of our sight. No one imagines their fight over Prince Charming squeezing the tooth paste in the middle or Beauty charging too much on the credit card, and then in the true “End”, if they do not divorce from Charming being a little too charming and screwing the secretary, because Beauty got fat and ugly; than they get old and one dies of a heart attack and the other is left to live a sad cold existence in an old age home with only a memory.

I prefer this ending, I will not be forever alone in all actuality this story was written about my life 4 years ago and sense than I have loved and lost and love again. I have gone through more tragedies and suffered more heart break. The only difference is that while the laughs and sweet emotions are worth the payment of sadness, I appreciate the tears because I know they will not kill me and the love I feel for a man is only equal to a love I feel for myself. My search for my equal in love….. is another story.

I have been thinking of publishing this story along with a continued story
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