I would never tell anyone to not love. You should never miss an opportunity to give of yourself and exchange feelings; of course there are instances that love is unhealthy or self destructive. There are cases when it is wise to have those walls to protect you from predators. It is sometimes in your best interest to know your limits and be aware of what you can accept and deal with and what you cant. You need to be mature enough to accept situations and responsibilities that only love can give you the strength to overcome.
We all have our own obstacles to jump while some will struggle to knock their walls down, I was busy building them, my open hearted, hold nothing back technique was not really suitable for today’s society. Not when 9 times out of 10 the men that chased me were only looking for what they could get out of me, I had a long list of abusers, users and losers to reference when asked “Why are you still single?”
Hey but this is not about me learning what I wanted, even when all the past stories I have written were all about what I knew I didn’t want. At this time in my life I knew exactly what I wanted and there was no questionnaire, no list of your perfect man article in any magazine that could come close to what I wanted and needed in a relationship. Deep down inside I always knew but I had such low self esteem I never thought I deserved it or ever had a chance to catch that man’s eye.
I knew what I was, I have always known that I was not perfect, I wasn’t special. But see that is where I didn’t finish that thought, I wasn’t special to anyone but the man that will love me, I wasn’t beautiful inside and out to anyone but him, I wasn’t perfect for anyone accept for him. I just hadn’t met him yet. I never saw myself through loves eyes because I was never loved like that before. That was then and this is now and I am not going to cry about things I didn’t know in the past. No, this was supposed to be my “Happily ever after” well we will see, I am not about to give away the ending. Lol
Flash back to that first real boyfriend from Malaysia Ben, ah yes the sweet romance of childhood, the childhood love that never really had closer, never had reason or purpose other than to break my heart and leave me empty and wondering what if. Oh I tried to tell myself through the years that I am sure he has a wonderful wife and beautiful children and grandchildren by now. I wonder if he ever regrets or even remember that young girl that he met in the dark Victory night club in a town in the middle of nowhere. Or does he stay awake at night wondering…. What I am doing?
I have lived my life and experienced lifetimes of love, heart ache and success. I have remade myself and my world many times over but I always find myself wondering, wondering so, and sense I find myself on social media so much I often check to see if his name ever shows up in my searches, I have even added a few people with his name but I had yet to find him.
I have always said that everything happens for a reason and really even this memory that I could never let go of, a love that was so innocent and so heart breaking that it fallowed me all these 28 years. Why would God subject me to a love so deep as a child and then tear it from me like I wasn’t meant to have it.
A few months ago I had gotten out of a really bad relationship and sense I was trying to go cold turkey on the whole man thing, angry with myself that I was tricked again into having feelings and angry with him for being HIM. Even my children referred to my ex-boyfriend from Ethiopia as the “One that shall not be named” because at just the mention of him I would burst into tears but that in its self is another story. I turned to Facebook to vent and talk with friends when I got a message.” Can we talk?” my answer was “I don’t have time to chat, I use Facebook as business and networking”
I pretty much ignored everyone that tried to talk with me. I didn’t need anymore admirers, but his begging and my emptiness was a mixture that led me to look at his profile, I seen living in Malaysia and that sparked my interest, not that I thought he was Malaysian because his picture told otherwise, tall and dark black skin, I assumed he was either African or Jamaican both groups of people had been trying extra hard to add me and talk. There was a few scams going around and I wondered if he was going to try to trick me. I had my own selfish reasons for accepting his friendship (I wanted to know if he could search for Ben)
Yep we each had our alternative motives but what is entertaining is the way the universe seems to always have it’s last say in the matter, here we were strangers, never really meant to meet, we had no friends in common and the very last thing I wanted was another African to rip my heart out. but the more we talked the more we seemed we were what each other needed in life, we were perfect matches, the way we believed the way we thought and felt, we had the same hang ups and desire to be overly open with our feelings. I wanted to hold back don’t get me wrong. I tried my hardest to be skeptical and distant “less is more, less is more” but it all just kind of flowed out, I was so happy talking with him, my face hurt from smiling and the look in his eyes when we talked it was like looking into the face of every Romance Hero I have ever seen in any movie.
I found myself glancing at the clock and I had lost the whole day, and the next day and the next…. I laughed at myself wondering when the bottom was going to fall out. Sooner or later this fast flame was going to burn out and I wasn’t going to be the one burned to ashes. I was determined to love but always keep in the back of my mind that it would never work, but everyday I was shown it could work.
First I decided that he only wanted to be in the US, I was nothing but a Green Card and he was just scamming me, but he kept trying to get me to move there, and a person can fake words and even lie to your face but you just can’t fake the excitement that glowed from him every time we saw each other on skype. I told myself there was no way we could be together but then I realized that unlike the other relationships on the internet that fell through this one I could actually sponsor. In fact every obstacle that faced us I could see a way out, rationalize and work around and Oh my God what a lot of obstacles there were.
He had a pretty rough life in his home country of Nigeria and when he was given an opportunity to go to Malaysia for school he jumped at it, but no one explained to him all the rules of going to school overseas, they only ask for the first semesters tuition but made him sign a contract for 2 years, no one told him that a student visa was just for school and that he wouldn’t be able to work. He found himself being Catholic in a Muslim country that despised Africans and Catholics. When he wasn’t able to pay for school his passport was held and he walked the streets as an illegal.
With the school holding his passport, no way to pay for food or a roof over his head, he was asked to join a group of other Nigerians that spend all day scamming over the internet, he confided in me that he didn’t want to he couldn’t stand the idea of hurting people, and that once you do get in a gang like that, there is no way out. He was living with a man that was charitable but also worried if he could trust him. He cleaned the man’s house and ran errands for him as payment for his stay, he pan handled for food and he prayed faithfully every Sunday all day for God to show him a way.
While we were getting to know each other and falling deeper and deeper in love the Malaysian Government were raiding peoples houses, knocking and searching door to door for illegals to either deport the ones that could pay their plane fair or detain aliens in make shift concentrations camps until family members could pay their way home. There had been cases where individual were jailed and forgotten. He was afraid to leave the apartment and often ran from a questioning officer “hey where are you going?…… why are you running man?”
We had a plan, for him to hold out until my tax returns, I would pay off my house and then sponsor for him to come here, marry him and we would live happily ever after. But the holding out part was what we didn’t have control of. One day pan handling he talked with a Muslim woman.. now let me stop and explain something, and I don’t judge, but in many Muslim cultures a woman is to never talk with a man, the girl not the man can be beaten and even killed if suspected that she is talking to a male because no one would know if they are intimate and it shows shame on the family.
So when I say what happens in our life no matter how well planned can and will go wrong, this moment is proof, the girl screamed “RAPE! He is trying to Rape me!” My sweet love was beaten by several men in the street and when he tried to run away he jumped off a landing and broke his foot. The men that beat him also tried to beat the man he was living with and working for, and in all of this they also took his laptop.
He was beaten so badly in the face that he couldn’t see and he was sure he would die in the street, when he tried to go the hospital no one would treat him because he had no ID, no passport and he couldn’t go back to where he had been staying….. He right now lies in a bed in a house of a friend that has now disappeared. No food for 3 days and no way to get any.
I sit back unable to do anything but watch all these dramas unfold like it was just a storybook… holding on to the hope that there will soon be a happy ending. I still can’t sponsor yet, the paperwork takes time, with no address to send to or fill in and I spent all my money on paying off this house so I could sponsor. I have no way to save him. I spent all these years looking for love, going through all forms of Hell with men that treated me like shit! And I finally find one that treats me like a queen, loves and thinks of me every moment and prays every day that he just be given the chance to show me his love.
For what? To have it taken from me, not even that. I was never given a chance to hold that love in my arms, no it is dangled before me teasing me to show “see this, see what you can’t have” Where is my happily ever after? Where is my reward for being so faithful and righteous?” and if I can’t have him than fine! God just save him! I would gladly live my life alone happy in the knowledge that he is free and healthy and living his life.
I usually ask my audience if they would like to donate to my writing fund but this time I am asking you to donate to keep my fiance alive until I can get him here. there is no minimum amount that I ask… I feel it is the very least I can do, I just keep picturing him pan handling and wondered what I would have done in his place. well this is my version of pan handling…. God bless you