I have thought long and hard on how to explain this relationship to you. I know in my heart why I made the decisions I did. I know that every step I have taken has been just another step to being me. I always believed that everything happens for a reason and if in some way God has a plan for this experience being for the good of all I hope at least my words can help others. I will admit now as I type that this is by far the most painful and the most regretted.
I was so impressed with Chris’ loyalty to me. He never wanted to leave my side, we spent a lot of time together and when I was feeling better our relationship just happened. I cannot clearly remember everything that happened in our time together. I never saw things getting out of hand, but they did. He moved in with Mary and I, helped pay the bills, but when I wasn’t home when he wanted me he complained that I really didn’t make enough money to keep my job. I was told to quit and he reasoning was a bit irrational seeming the circumstances. We had known each other just a few weeks, and already he was living with me, sleeping with me and now deciding things for me.
I quit my job and when he found a less demanding job that paid more I took it, only for him to ask me to quit that one a month later. I relied so much on him and when Mary lost her job Chris decided that if he was going to pay all the rent than it was going to be in a much nicer part of town. He worked as a head Chef at two different restaurants and made really good money. We moved without Mary and I was so torn, the man that said he loved me and wanted the best for me or my sister, I felt like I was choosing between them.
Chris and I had many conversations of how I was supposed to behave, how I was supposed to look. He picked out my cloths by merely telling what I looked much better in. He had a reputation to uphold but he had two different lives I found out in our life alone that he was more than a chef; two separate reputations and one I had no place in.
Chris was a drug runner, he was from Michigan and he transported drugs from one state to the other. He worked a little less now and his friends that visited the house were here to either pick up or drop off. I was told to never talk with them. I was to be a respectful and obedient woman. I always just waited, kept quiet and when things calmed down Chris would return to the chef when they left. The more time past the more controlling he got. When I questioned his rules?
He started asserting his authority; he would beat me for anything he didn’t approve of. Sometimes he would beat me just because, either stress at work or problems with the dealers. The harder I tried to make him happy the worse it got, the more tragic the feelings, and disappointment in myself. He would leave in the morning and there would be a list of things he expected for me to do. If I hadn’t finished the list I would get beaten.
If he suspected I left the house I would be beaten. If I said anything to anyone about him and the things he did, I would be beaten. I dare not tell my family, I dare not leave him. If I left he had told me many times. “If I cannot have you than no one will have you”. He made it quite clear that he knew people that owed him favors and I would not live long without him. I do not know why he wanted me so badly. I had no idea why, when I was so unruly, ugly, fat and lazy? I was told I was nothing, I was stupid and good for nothing. These are the things I saw when I look in the mirror; this is the person he created. I was no longer Deborah, he even called me by my middle name. He was determined to make sure I knew there was nothing about me that was to his satisfaction, not even my name.
One day the Dealers came, they usually stayed for a bit but never long enough to say it was a party. This time they came with Drink and Porn. I felt uncomfortable and I tried to leave to the bedroom, but Chris had one of his “talks” with me, he told me that I was his woman and that I had a duty to do as he asks of me without a question. If I didn’t think I could, to tell him now and that he would make sure that I found my way home, “But not before …” he held tight to my neck and squeezed harder as he whispered in my ear, “I’ll leave a mark on you so you will never forget me”
My place during the party was at his feet as he pet my head like a dog. After the beer and drugs were gone, half the guys lay about watching the movie, others passed out. One lay on the floor not to far from me, moaning that the room wouldn’t stop spinning. “Jean, go lay down with him” I tried to question Chris’ logic, but as he raised his hand, I jumped to the Drunk and reluctantly lay next to him.
They all laughed and decided they would rather watch the real thing as they turned from the porn and cheered, licking their lips wanting to be next. He rolled over and put his arm around me, he started touching me, rubbing me, pulling my shirt up. I looked up in fear at Chris. He just smiled and pointed back down motioning for me to do something. I lay there with my eyes closed, listening to the crowd yell things like “Come on, get her clothes off, hurry up, we want our turn”
I threw him off me and made a run for the bedroom, locking the door behind me, I searched the room for a weapon, something heavy, something I could use to protect myself and keep them from me, maybe I could make it to the door. On a dirty dish on the dresser sat a paring knife and I grabbed it and held it tight. I stood at the door waiting for him to knock it down. He yelled and threatened for a while, I never heard a word they said, my thoughts were louder than their noise.
I realized that it didn’t matter if I got away or not. He was going to get me, if not that night or tomorrow. He would eventually find a way to get me. A simple thought of whether or not I could hill him was all it took for me to decide that there was nowhere to turn as I plunged the knife into my own stomach. I didn’t feel any pain; I didn’t shed a single tear. I just lay back on the bed and watched as my once white shirt turned red.
Death didn’t come for me that night, even though I welcomed it with open arms. No, I woke up with Chris beside me in a pool my blood. He must have figured out how to pop the lock but was too wasted to notice all the blood. I called my mother and told her I needed her to come get me, there was an accident. But she called the police instead and they were the ones at the door when I heard the knock. I tried to tell them that I did it, but when Chris walked out of the bedroom covered in my blood. Well, let’s just say that there wasn’t anything I could have said to save him.