Beyond the Pane V (Melvin)

I continued to see Keith for several months but slowly just lost interest, I believe it was the fact that there was nothing more he had to teach. I mean I was comfortable with sex; I was comfortable with myself enough to not really need an emotionless relationship to keep me going. I no longer needed him to approve of me. I had proved that I was a woman and not a child. So I just stopped coming by, and he never once called me or asked about me. It just ended.

Mary has started seeing a guy in Kentucky and she was asked by the guy’s cousin if there were any more like her at home.

Of course I really wasn’t much like her at all. But I guess she felt I was a good match for her boyfriend’s cousin, so here I went again being set up on another date. I just went along for the ride really. Melvin was funny; I was not really much into kissing ass and being proper. Why did I care if he was looking for a sweet little happy tart willing to do anything to look good and make that perfect first impression? I decided to speak my mind and he loved it! It was fun spending time with him.

I replaced Keith in every way with Melvin. I would drive an hour and a half every week end, we would call every night even if it was just to say “I miss you, stupid” We were like best friends and when we were together we laughed and had fun and sex was emotional and romantic, it was completely different then what I had with Keith. I even let myself love him. He wrote on the back of a picture he gave me “Lovers by choice but friends forever by fate”

There is one life lesson I learned when dating Melvin. “No matter how much you think you love a person, make sure it is really a love for him and not your love for what you think he is”

I decided to come and surprise Melvin on a weekday and as I drove up to his door I saw him standing in the drive way holding another woman, saying goodbye. I just sat in the car staring. I was unprepared, I was shocked and hurt. I truly didn’t see that coming at all. He came up to my car and asked what I was doing here, and when I went into a screaming crying fit of “who, what, when how long?” he just walked away. They went back into the house together, I do not remember how long I sat in the drive way, I can’t even tell you why I was still there. It was dark when she came up to me and asked if I wanted to talk.

WHAT?! Why would I want to talk to her? I mean I want to know things, I wanted answers but I didn’t want to be friends with her. She told me that she was pregnant and that although the baby was not Melvin’s, he promised to raise the child like it was his own. I do not know where the next words came from or why I would choose to say something like that, perhaps I wanted to hurt him as badly as he hurt me. Maybe I wanted a reason to stay in his mind. “Well, that is good, because he will not be raising his own” as I grasped at my stomach and drove away. I backed out so fast I nearly hit Melvin who was walking towards the car. I heard him yell as he jumped out of the way. I just kept thinking I wish I could have hit him. I wished I was pregnant, I hope he has a terrible life with her.

I do not even remember how I got home. I was not paying attention to anything. I stopped at a gas station just before leaving Kentucky. I just sat there crying, I never got out, I really didn’t need anything, I sat there crying uncontrollable when a knock on the window startled me. A man stood there asking if I was alright. I said yes I am fine I am sorry. “There is no reason for you to be sorry, maybe the man that hurt you should be the sorry one” I smiled a bit through the tears, “Maybe” he got comfortable at my window, crouched down placed his elbows on the door. “Listen, you tell me who made you cry and I will see if I can make him cry for ya” I laughed hard and straightened myself up. Funny when I said the Melvin’s name and what happened, he knew exactly who I was talking about. “Listen, you consider yourself lucky you got away from those folks, they are not anything and they won’t be anything, that girl saved you from a bad life.”

I think I felt a little better, I mean the guy was able to make me put things into more perspective. I was driving back and forth for what? He wasn’t going to better himself. His town had little to no job opportunities, and he hadn’t a desire to leave, all of his family and friends were there. He was 20 and loved his grocery job.

I wasn’t over the loss of love, the feeling of having someone and belonging but I was able to think realistically. I wanted more for myself; I wanted to be more than a poor country wife waiting for her husband to come home from work smelling like meat blood. I knew I wanted better.

Mary and I moved in together that week. We found a nice big house in a little troubled area of town. I didn’t worry about my safety; I was working and really didn’t spend a lot of time there anyway. Mary tried to be there for me emotionally but let’s face it, I had to deal with this myself. I thought several times of going and seeing Melvin again, calling him but what would I say. I wanted to ask why? I wanted to know what it was that I had done wrong? In my mind I always imagined the answers and they would have never been enough. I knew the answer I wasn’t what he was looking for and whether I liked the answer or not he was never going to be what I needed.

It had only been 2 weeks since I drove from Kentucky crying, and I had long sense stopped crying. Mary had met a Guy and his friend from out of town when she was shopping in the Mall and you can imagine what happened next. When mentioning that she had a sister and lets double date I was yet again dragged into another blind date. I tried to make excuses why not to go. The night of the date I was so nervous, I had already stated feeling ill. I was trying on cloths, putting make up on and hating my hair. I even cried a while alone in my room, upset that I was being so typically feminine. “GREAT!” I started my period!

Why couldn’t I be careless like before and just be myself, take me or leave me? When I saw Chris He was well dressed, smiling and very, very polite, he was tall and very dark, with large handsome eyes, he opened doors and carried on conversations like he were well educated and came from money. His friend that was there with my sister was nice looking but a little more rough and loud. He laughed a lot and we had a very nice night to look at us.

Something about my date scared me. I don’t know what it was; he never gave a hint to being a bad guy. I mean no one would have seen he had any bad intentions towards me. I wanted to get out and away from him almost the moment I met him, I was panicked and sick to my stomach. I put on a good act and asked to go to the restroom and as I was walking to the bathroom I became faint and light headed, Mary had been following me and stopped me from falling. When I got to the bathroom, we found out why all the feelings of illness. I miscarried Melvin’s baby in the bathroom that night; it was not a typical period I had started. I hadn’t even thought I was pregnant and I must have only been a month or so along. I thought I had been lying to that woman that took Melvin from me; I never thought for a second that I was, we had always taken precautions.

Forget the Whys or Hows. Now what? How do I explain to our dates that instead of the movies our date would be relocated to the hospital? Mary had told the Guys that there was a problem and that we were going to have to leave, but Chris wouldn’t have any of that. He insisted that he come along, hold my hand and console me. I thought it was sweet, but unnecessary I was scared and looking rather ratty; having a potential romantic interest share an embarrassing moment like this just made things worse. He kept reminding me that he was raised by woman and this is just something that sometimes happens.

I cannot say I felt the loss that other women felt when they miscarry, I hadn’t even known I was pregnant but I know I learned another valuable lesson that day “Never lie, fate will make lies come true”
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