For the Skeptic

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Psychic Readings

Beyond the Screen II (Hady)

I continued to talk with Sanjeev but I let myself stay separated emotionally from him. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, I wanted to stay rational and I kept reminding myself that it was not impossible for us to be together but it was unlikely. I had a lot of extra time on my hands, I didn’t think of sanjeev non-stop like I did before, classes had ended for the semester and I found myself chatting with others while I waited for his occasional mails and IM’s.

I am not saying that I was over him, or that it was that easy to move on, it wasn’t. I hated life, I hated the circumstance I was in and I often questioned God’s plan to keep me from love. I stopped praying…..

One of the conversations Sanjeev and I had towards the end was that he had seen a man that did horoscopes and he had mine cast, he said that he was concerned about me and if I was strong enough. He wanted me to start praying to a Hindu God (Lord Hanuman) the Monkey God. I had no idea who he was and I argued that I will not pray to a God other than my Christian God. He said that all Gods are the same God just different versions of the same man and I should get to know this one. I didn’t know who he was or what he was known for then. I never did pray to him, regardless of Sanjeevs pleading. But now I better know who Hanuman is and why people do pray to him. He is not just the God of strength physically but he also was one of the few God’s that was celibate. I should have known him better then.

I was not an internet whore and I seriously do not know how it happened that I would have so many internet love interests. I used yahoo like a screening process, getting to know men better without the stress of sexual pressure. I kept pictures of each man and the ones I didn’t like I deleted and the ones I did like I let myself get closer to. At one point I would show my mother pictures of them, tell her a short run down of where they were from and what they did. She would do her own research on where they were from and tell me later if she thought one was better than another.

Usually as soon as I found out one was without a job or that he had no desire to come to America to be with me I would let them go. I met a few men that I consider worth putting in this story. I can’t say I remember all of their names, many times they tell me nick names anyway or in my mind I thought of them as what they did (the architect, the artist, the dr) I tried to keep in mind that although I wanted a good man I needed one that I could actually fall in love with, not just financially take care of his family, but the fact that money was needed to be able to come to America it did tend to tip the scales a bit.

In my search to find this man I thought I needed I met a few men that I knew were not going to be able to come, I knew were not a good choice, they were too young, too poor, and they even knew they were out of their league. They were my friends, the ones I would tell my stories to. Beautifully handsome, wonderfully nice and caring, Hady was 24 and had no real job; he occasionally worked at his father’s shop repairing TVs. Hady was a great listener and I spent a long time never even knowing what he looked like, I knew he would have been a waste of time. Our first meeting after finding out his age and his occupation I made him promise me before letting him look at my cam “You have to promise you will not fall in love with me or ask for sex, we are only friends and we will only ever be friends, now promise me!” he laughed and almost joked that I was big headed to think that all men would fall in love with me.

I was not saying that because I thought I was so great. I swear to you I had no idea why so many men from other countries loved me so much, every time I opened my cam in chat it was always the same “OMG! you are the Moon, you are the Queen! Why are you not married? You are so beautiful!” I have to admit it was a boost to my ego, and I never felt like I was so wonderful or beautiful but they did, and I loved hearing it. After all I never really heard that before here from men, no one told me I was beautiful or even acted interested in me at all.

I was a dime a dozen: blonde, blue eyes, pasty white, fat, mother of 3 sons. That was pretty much ½ the population of the German heritage town I was living. No there was something about me that East Asians, south Asian, middle eastern and north African men loved, I was special in their eyes, maybe it was that I was large, I had heard that some cultures value a woman when she is fat because it is a sign of good health and money, or maybe it was that I was so honest, maybe they just never met anyone like me before, but for whatever the reason I attracted the darker skinned men, they were like moths to the flame.

No when I asked Hady to promise it was because I wanted our talks to remain as friends and not be bomb barded with all that lovey stuff, I needed a friend. He promised and I reluctantly opened my cam, I saw him sit up straighter to get a better look at me, he smiled and starred…. Silent a moment…. “Hi friend” and I laughed so hard that I scared myself, I was able to keep my friend, I was so happy! I found out that we had a lot in common, his birthday was the same week, we always thought the same, finished each other’s sentences or typed the same things at the same time and we became very close. More close than I had planned.

Hady started asking to see my cam every time we talked and he started giving his opinion on the men I told him I talked to, and of course none were suitable. He wanted to know more and more personal things about me and I started to see in his big beautiful eyes more than just a friends love, I asked my friend/neighbor who was also single to come over one day and sit to the side of my computer so that Hady would not see her, I wanted to know if it was just me or could she see in his eyes and in his words that he loved me. Maybe I was wrong and maybe I was just starting to love him myself and it was just wishful thinking. Rachel watched as Hady and I opened cams and listened to our conversations, she watched as Hady sat from across the world with his face resting on his hand, smiling into a camera at his computer screen and Rachel started to cry “I wished I had a man look at me with that much love as he looks at you”  

What was I going to do? I didn’t want to lose my best friend!

I tried to keep it from turning into love but sure enough I fell in love with Hady and we started to think of ways we could be together… student visa, marriage visa, work visa, what the requirements were for each. Meanwhile……

Another friend that I had met that Valentine’s day was also from Egypt but he was much younger and he had no interest at all in thinking of love or marriage Hamid was taking Hadys place in the best friends roll. Hamid loved my stories about who I talked to and who I was interested in, he used to draw the cutest cartoons of Men in a competition for my love. He called it the race to Deborah, whoever would be able to come to America would win Deborah’s hand and heart.

His jokes were not that far from the truth, I had put myself in a position where I had met so many men that were what I would say was suitable but each had their own reasons why they couldn’t come right now to the US or they were working on applying. So many that I had become attached to, I loved little things about each but none I could actually say “This is the ONE” and honestly even if there had been a man that I considered perfect in every way, it would not have changed my attitude, I knew not to trust my feelings or to wish too much, at any time they could disappear.

And one by one they did: The Iraqi Dr, The Egyptian Architect, The Indian Artist, The Rich Sadi, the Business man from UAE, The funny man from Jordan. I stood by and watched each one of those men that said they loved me, give up on trying to come here, and one by one through the years I got mails of them telling me they were getting married. I was happy for them in a way, and a little insulted, why couldn’t I meet a man that would work hard enough to be with me? Why couldn’t I find one man that would do anything for us to be together?

I decided that maybe me waiting for them to come to me just wasn’t going to work, maybe I needed to just give in and go to them. I had an older friend going to Egypt with her husband’s group of friends and I asked if I could tag along with his group for the cheaper air fare. She said sure but wouldn’t you know it, the very day I got enough money together to buy the tickets, Egypt’s government fell and there were riots everywhere, the business trip was cancelled, Hady told me to wait a little while and try again, but then there was internet problems and I stopped hearing from Hady at all

I got a mail after him being gone for a few months, his Father wanted him to marry…….

NOT AGAIN?

Beyond the Screen (Sanjeev)

I guess I have every reason to be afraid of men, after what I had subjected myself to, I am surprised that I was willing to say the word “Love” at all without a facial tic. I lived through pretty much being left at the alter by (Ben) I was a victim of others lies (Ta), I was raped (Keith), cheated on (Melvin), Beaten and abused (Chris) Alcoholism (Ruffo) You would think that I could smell a bad man’s stink from a mile away, Lord knows I had been through everything a man can dish out, You would think I would know what it was I wanted out of life by now, but that is not how it works.

Beyond the Pane may have been a story about overcoming the pain caused by the Men I chose to be in relationships with. It was the path I had to go through to learn to value myself, selflove. The first door of many that I must learn to open before I can open loves door. Before I can be worthy of a real mutual and equal relationship.

Beyond the Screen is my continuing story. I had entered a virtual world that was safe, I had no fear of rape, abuse, and hurt feelings was as easy as delete to disregard.. yep I was safe from physical pain, but removing the damage done by my past was a bit harder to do and facing the emotional world of getting to know people, trusting them, well I had some real work to do.

Let me walk through it with you.

I had started school back when Melvin was with me, I had worked for the past 3 years at a nursing home as a setter for very rich ladies that families didn’t want them medicated so my services were pretty much to protect the other patients at the nursing home from my clients dementia, I often worked 40 hours a week, bought a house, balanced my finances and my kids on my own. I was being able to stand on my own two feet without Melvin. I was also working but having a summer break from school when Ruffo came to visit, yes I was quite the modern woman, I could handle it all.

I had never touched a computer before starting school in 2004 I seriously had no use of them, being forced to do assignments for class was hard to adjust, I only did homework, Microsoft word, math sites, I seldom enjoyed sitting at the computer at all, my own mother knew more about computers than I did.

Remember when Beyond the Pane first began I was talking with my West African friend on the phone? Kadasia was in a few classes of mine and she had been talking about her boyfriend’s roommate liked me, we did become close, but the reason he was interested in me was I had suggested a solution to a problem he had with his visa, he had a student’s visa and his time for school had expired, I suggested that if he fell in love with an American he could marry and stay here. I wasn’t going to get married any time soon, I might as well help someone I knew that was in desperate need, he was very afraid to go back to his country, I wanted to save him.

After all the problems with Melvin and Ruffo had subsided I saw Kadasia at school and asked how her friend was doing and I apologies for not being able to discuss it farther with him. She said not to worry because over the summer he had actually met a woman and they started dating, she wants to marry him in real and that his problems were solved. I was happy for him, he was a nice guy and he deserved a good life. But it kind of made me think, if I could do that for him, why couldn’t I do that for someone else, a man of my choosing. If men can have mail order brides why couldn’t I save some man from a third world country and have him appreciate what I had to offer. I thought long and hard, I made a list of pros and cons. I made a plan, first on the plan was to pick a website.

I searched Free matches, foreign marriage site, I found webmarraige.com (it was the only one that was free) I was still not very comfortable with the computer yet, it took some mistakes and learning the whole making a profile, trying to find a way to put a picture but when I was done, my add was accepted all I had to do was wait, and I waited, and waited and I lived my life while I waited, it was weeks before I checked again on the site and I was weeding through, too old, too young, oh my God ugly, and hell no, not a Russian! I came across a man from India, his picture looked a little dated and I wondered if he was telling the truth about his age. Sanjeev, 28, widower and father of 2 children, I sent a message “I had seen your profile, do you have any more pictures of yourself?” I waited another week for his reply “here are more pictures of me. Will you marry me?”

I laughed so hard, I was so shocked! Was he joking or was he serious? What was he thinking? Was he crazy? Then I opened his mail and saw his pictures, wow! He was handsome, the right age, beautiful children, good job with education. I looked at his eyes in one of the photos and they seemed so warm, friendly but lonely. After explaining to him that was not the way people approach a woman and ask her to marry, the relationship began, he was only able to get on the computer on his days off and I had to stay up late because of the time difference but weekly we talked, chatted on yahoo, I got a video cam and microphone and we had what I called dates often and regularly, we discussed politics, religion, our past and our dreams. Then after a few months he asked me to stand up so he could see my full figure. I hadn’t thought about it, I mean we always talked about emotional things and feelings, we talked every time until his time was up and he had to go, we never talked about sex and I loved that we didn’t, but I neglected to mention one thing about me, I was fat.

I mean I was always honest, if he had asked about my frame I would have told him, but I have a beautiful face and it doesn’t really reflect my size, I am tall and very “plump” the men here usually didn’t care much for me or they were the types that loved my size “chubby chasers”. Now I was worried, I started really liking Sanjeev, what if he didn’t like me? What if he didn’t want me anymore? I had started to get too attached to him. But regardless I had to stand and face this; I had to face what I had become. I could have blamed it on the low self-esteem or the asthma, hell I could rationalize this as a choice. Point was there are no excuses, you are who you are……. and I stood.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were so large?”

I was mortified! I started immediately crying and I turned off the computer, I cried myself to sleep that night and many nights after. I was so angry at myself for being so huge and I hated him for judging me, I didn’t open the computer for weeks. And when I felt like I was strong enough to face that question, I opened my mail. And there were 50 mails in the past 2 weeks from Sanjeev, everything from apologizing for saying it wrong, that there was a misunderstanding, to telling me that his wife was a fat girl and he loves a soft woman to hold. I started crying again only this time they were tears of happiness. Maybe I could be loved, maybe I had not been so damaged that someone could actually love me just the way I am, flaws and all.

He was so scared he lost me forever and his mails were so desperate he didn’t have my phone number or he would have called me. I sent a mail back “I am sorry to make you worry so badly, sorry I reacted the way I did. Will you marry me?”

Our life changed after that moment, he of course demanded my phone number and I had his, we talked more often and he introduced me to his children, they started calling me “new mom” and they started asking when they were going to be with me. Sanjeev felt a need to send my Dad a mail, asking to marry me, I tried to explain to him that just doesn’t happen here anymore but he felt he had to out of his own tradition. My father respectfully mailed him back. Basically telling him that it is great that he loves his daughter but we will see if it is love when it is face to face. And there lay the problem… face to face

Within the time that Sanjeev and I fell in love and 2 years later, I had signed two different papers trying to sponsor him and his lawyers actually laughed at him. I had bad credit, didn’t own my property, hadn’t worked above poverty level in the past 2 years and I had no one willing to help and co-sponser. Lord knows my family wasn’t going to, they just as well see me never in another relationship again with my track record. I couldn’t help him; he tried a few other things within a small time frame of then giving up.

He said he would never give up but when his mails became farther and farther apart, and he seemed to lose his passion for our love, well I knew he had lost his interest in me, I do not blame him, it was just too much work, I understood, so when he sent me a mail that he drank alcohol for the first time in his life and for me to forgive him, (I knew something was up) I pressured him and pressured him to tell me why did he drink? He admitted that it was an engagement party; his mother wanted him to marry a woman there. He swore that he would not marry her but he had to make his mother happy, he said he will still try to be with me, but I knew, I felt myself UNLOVE HIM if that is a real thing. That was the day (I) gave up on Sanjeev